I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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