if you like me you must not know who I am
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
