The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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