why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
third nipple confirmed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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