Pregnant stripper...not hot.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
