nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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