New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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