ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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