All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
