He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
