Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
