Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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