I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
