why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
