You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
