I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
