cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're a waste of cheezeits
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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