well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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