I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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