She said her name was "party"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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