She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Randomize
