Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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