I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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