Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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