On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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