Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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