throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
