bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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