nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
