Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
