I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
