I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
