she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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