you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
