No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
