someone get that fucking seahorse.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
