I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
