There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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