The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
