i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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