I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
