I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if only i could text you this smell
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
