i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
