I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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