I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
