You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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