it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
