sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
