I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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