On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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