i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
