Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
