It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
