If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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