They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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