I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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