You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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