DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
