i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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