im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Threesome in a minivan. New low
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
