we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I need a beard to bite.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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