I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
