Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
