I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
