True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
